—CHANGE YOUR LIFE, CHANGE YOUR MIND

There are moments even in a coach’s life that we just do not want to look at the big picture of our life. When blame is so justified and easy to do, why can’t we point the finger at someone for deeply hurting us?
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Coach Linda Berger's explanation to help change your life by changing your mind

As a coach and metaphysical student and teacher for many years it never ceases to amaze me at how many times I find myself getting tripped up by blame. When I want to point the finger and blame someone and say, “I never would have been so thoughtless. Or I never would have hurt you like that. And then of course the all-time favorite one, I never would have said that to you.”

The one common word in all the statements made is ‘never’. The “I never” puts us all into a level of arrogance that I myself do not want to lay claim. Until, of course, I look at the bigger picture and realize that “I never” in reality should have been “I often”.

As a coach and a master of change, having lived through way too much of my own and studied the stages of change in friends, family and clients, I know from an intimate level that change is an unwanted visitor. Change is the visitor you want to hide from –don’t answer the door, the phone or if you put your head down and not look at – change will not see you. Just keep walking.

We all know in reality that is called denial. And I don’t know about you but ‘I have never’ been in denial. As a matter of fact…my fact is…I am a realist! At least I think so.

SITUATION:
One of my dearest and closest friends called one morning and completely dumped everything that she was feeling on me because she thought it was my fault. Something she thought I didn’t do, which I did do, and just did not bother to mention it. And because I made the fatal mistake of not mentioning IT…I broke her heart! Yes, she is a drama queen.

Being a reformed guilt and shame junkie I immediately went into my drug of choice…shame. Feeling sorry for my misunderstood self, I fell into self-pity.

OBJECTIVES /GOALS
When I got off the phone the beaten down shamed part of me immediately went to redo what she had said I didn’t do even though I had already done it. I needed to do a better job the second time around to make my own shame go away.

And as I was in the middle of my shame-filled thoughts of ‘not good enough’ friend, I stopped dead in my tracks because I realized what had just happened. My desire to heal the shamed thoughts and triggers was placed right in my lap, through my friend blaming me. She opened the guilt and shame door and before I knew what was happening, I walked right in.

SOLUTIONS
Even though I wanted to feel sorry for myself having been misunderstood without the opportunity to redeem myself, I knew that I couldn’t stay in that negative energy. I had to remember the big picture in my life and understand that she had given me an opportunity to review my choice of choosing shame and guilt. In this review period I could see how I was responsible for when and if I chose to veil my perceptions in shame.

As a metaphysical student, I know that nothing happens for naught. I owed it to myself and clients to be diligent in finding my own ah ha moment from this experience.

TASKS AND SYSTEMS TO CREATE CHANGE
My visual for life in simple terms is viewed through my camera lens. I teach my clients and students that life is lived in a zoom lens. We see, hear, speak and feel our surroundings through a single dimensional lens that reflects back to us that which we have it focused on.

We choose the moments to record in our mind and then add the story depending on our audience. Once in a while as we learn to take more and more responsibility for our choices, life opens to the wide angle lens. That’s when we view our life as part of a bigger picture while expanding into a place we cannot see in our zoom lens.

Life becomes about our choices affecting others, instead of others affecting us. And so it was with my choice at this time.

AH HA MOMENT CREATING CHANGE
I came face-to-face with my shame that day, brought on by my friends blame, and I said, ‘NO’.

I realized in that moment that she had triggered by ability to feel guilt and shame. As a shame and guilt ex-junkie, I went right to my old friends and picked them up as I had so many times in my life.

This time something was different. It wasn’t the same. I didn’t get the same charge.
As a matter of fact, within minutes of our conversation, I had figured out what had happened, and I laughed.

My ah ha changing moment came when I knew from my core that I had changed. My drug of shame and guilt had become a teaching tool. I had named it…tamed it…claimed it…

RELEASING A BLOCK TO CHANGE
Now I have to admit, I didn’t want to let this go. I wanted retribution. “How dare you accuse me.” I went back and forth from student to teacher and back again for sometime. If I was the student and learned something from this experience, then she won. A part of me just wanted to win to teach her a lesson.

I didn’t want to admit that I had desperately needed this opportunity to prove to myself that I had truly left the guilt and shame behind me. Guilt and shame were no longer tools used against me but they became more sword and shield to help others.

CREATING CHANGE RESULTS
It took a powerful friend, bonded through love and loyalty, for our friendship to stand up in strength and courage to risk teaching a powerful lesson in life.

How could I hold on to pain when I was given the freedom to heal myself and others by the power of love in friendship. So I let go of the pain, as I accepted my own self-healing.